


Flare

by CoralFlowerDaylight (CoralFlower)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Adventure, Beach Episode, Depression, Family, Homestuck References, M/M, Medication, Non-Permanent Character Death, SSRIs, Second person POV, creation myths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12874746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoralFlower/pseuds/CoralFlowerDaylight
Summary: "I have toknow, Merle, if this is really and truly... right. It was so long ago, when our dissatisfaction transcended our world, and I can't... I can't recall what I wasfeelingthen and I'm scared I was... that we'rewrong.""...You aren't really in charge of this thing, are you."He frowns."Why do you say that."It's neither a confirmation nor a denial."Well, you said you must look beautiful, but really, to us, and everyone in the worlds you consume? You're terrifying. And you didn't know anything about our ship until I told you."He sighs again."I think it's time for you to go."--This story is already fully written except for the Epilogue and will be updated on a weekly schedule (sometimes more frequently)





	1. Pilot Light

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [October](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/351630) by The Carnivorous Muffin. 



> As my most successful attempt at NaNoWriMo so far, _Flare_ has over 15,000 words, eight chapters, and an epilogue, and details an alternate timeline version of Merle and John's relationship. I had planned to start posting it in December, but I've decided to get a move on before Net Neutrality is killed. I hope you enjoy! I plan to update on Thursdays.
> 
> This story will include (in order of seriousness): **Mild Body Horror** (no worse than in canon), Attempts at Psychological Warfare/ **Emotional Manipulation** by an Antagonist During Combat, Several **Nonpermanent Deaths of a Major Character** , Tentacle Porn Jokes, Copious Homestuck References, Straight Baiting, Creation Myths, Fan-made Backstory, 2-3 minor OCs, a Wedding, a Rick Roll, a Cameo from Johann (probably), Unconventional Moon-related Symbolism, Another Beach Episode, and Second Person POV.
> 
> I don't think I've forgotten any important warnings, but I'll post individual warnings on every chapter just in case.

"...Life, Merle? Is _horrible._ "

It's quiet for several small moments. 

"I.. don't think I want to talk to you anymore, John."

"Merle-- wait-- you _are_ important to me. But you have to understand, I don't even remember what friendship... _feels_ like."

"Well, John... It's just... _big_ , I guess."

"Big _how_ , though?"

"It makes you feel... like you _matter_. It just makes you feel big."

"I'm not quite sure I understand your meaning, Merle, but that's alright. You... you'll come back, won't you?"

"Do you even want me to?"

You say it almost resentfully, and his reply is earnest:

"Merle, of course I want you to."

"Then I will."

"I look forward to it."

And then he kills you. 

The next time you see him, he's got his feet up on the table, nice shoes and all. There's no chessboard, just the usual water pitcher, and he seems anxious to ask his question, because as soon as he sees you appear, Merle, he puts his feet back on the floor and leans in. 

"Okay, wait, wait," you say. "I think that... if we are going to be friends... We shouldn't be trying to kill each other permanently. So what if we just... agree to keep doing the question thing, but... let's stop asking questions that have... tactical weight, okay?"

He slumps down a little bit, when you say that, and it takes him a moment to figure out how to respond. 

"Why? Do your people have... everything they need? Are you _toying_ with me now, Merle?"

"What? No! No, I just think... I don't think we need this sort of... adversarial element to the relationship that we've got, and... I would feel better about being your friend if-- you know Magnus, he's my tactical pal, he would hate it if he knew I was suggesting this. But I haven't told... _anyone_ that I'm doing this, because it feels wrong to me to try and collect information to use to kill you when we're friends."

John is... frozen, he's just not moving. 

"You do realise that I have killed you every single time we've come here, right, Merle?" 

"Well, I figure that doesn't count, because I'm always going to come back, you know?"

"Yeah. I suppose. Merle, I... I will have to think about this. I have one question--"

"Shoot."

"What keeps you going, Merle, why do you keep coming back here even after I kill you? What's... your _purpose_?"

"I guess I just want life to go on."

He chuckles ruefully.

"I suppose I should have expected it would be something so... unshakeable. Well, I just had to make sure... Alright. We'll change to your kind of question. What's your question for me, Merle?"

"Well, two questions, really-- the first one is just to find out if you can even answer the second-- when you consume worlds, can you or do you ever look into them? And if you do, could you tell me something about your favourite world you've taken in?"

John takes a deep breath. 

"Well, Merle, I can tell you about the world I'm the most... frustrated about losing."

"Yeah?"

"This might sound silly--"

"No, no."

"This might sound silly, but... Well, there was something about one world, oh, maybe thirty of them ago... It just seemed... It reminded me of somewhere special. It didn't have any people on it, except for you, and when I sent my scout, I think you and your... crew already had the light, somehow."

"You mean the beach episode! Man, that was great."

"Maybe? Whatever the case, I don't exactly appreciate you rubbing it in."

"I'm not rubbing it in! I'm just saying, I had a lot of fun there, I made gifts for all my friends, Taako learned how to surf... Hey, speaking of friends... Is there any reason you couldn't, uh... I know you send a scout every year, is there any reason you couldn't come in person? Not to, uh, this probably sounds like I'm trying to draw you out and kill you, but... I think my other friends could... could benefit from spending some time with you. Maybe some sort of picnic?"

John shakes his head. 

"I've killed you countless times, and you're inviting me to a picnic? I really do not understand you, Merle."

And he kills you. 

You wait until later into the next cycle to talk to him, trying to gauge the crew's opinion on possibly meeting with the hunger in person. You tell them about the new agreement, and when Magnus stands up from the table to protest, you cut him off, _I know you aren't much for my friendship and rainbows mentality, but surely you can agree that he knows too much about us to risk telling him more._

When you next see John, he's different, somehow. It takes you a moment to place it, but he seems worn down. There's a few hairline cracks in his form, through which you can see only darkness, streaked with red, blue, and green. Despite this, he's calm, almost serene, as he tells you,

"I think I'd like to take you up on that offer of a picnic after all, Merle."

"John, what... what happened to you?"

He shakes his head dismissively.

"That doesn't matter. How does next cycle sound?"

"Well, I'd... have to make sure my other friends were fine with it, first, and I don't know if the logistics of that would really work out if you kill me again this time."

"It has to be next cycle. Merle, I sacrificed..." His voice breaks, and he clears his throat. "A lot, to get this opportunity."

"I guess I could... ask, if you agreed to dissolve the parley and--"

"I can _do_ that?"

"Yeah, 'course."

"God," he says, staring wide-eyed at the table. "I feel _shitty_ now."

"Ah, can I ask... What did you sacrifice? Why?"

He heaves a sigh. 

"I'm afraid that first one falls under the umbrella of tactical information, but as for your second question... I have to _know_ , Merle, if this is really and truly... right. It was so long ago, when our dissatisfaction transcended our world, and I can't... I can't recall what I was _feeling_ then and I'm scared I was... that we're _wrong_."

"...You aren't really in charge of this thing, are you."

He frowns.

"Why do you say that."

It's neither a confirmation nor a denial.

"Well, you said you must look beautiful, but really, to us, and everyone in the worlds you consume? You're terrifying. And you didn't know anything about our ship until I told you."

He sighs again.

"I think it's time for you to go. Let me know next cycle if I can't visit, otherwise I'll be there around the same time my scout usually arrives. I might not be able to use this form, but I'll make sure you know it's me."

He doesn't kill you. 

It takes some doing to convince the others, but when Lup hears that you might be able to solve this thing peacefully, she agrees, and so does Taako because of that. Next is Lucretia, and then Barry, and then Magnus, and finally it's just Davenport still holding on a week or so before the cycle ends. Lucretia suggests that he and Barry take the ship up above the planar system to keep it safe, and that's what convinces him.

So the next cycle you just wait. Nobody does much after Davenport and Barry fly the Starblaster away, and it's dawn on your third day there when the scout arrives.

And then so does John. 

He crackles into being about a conference table's length away from you, and collapses onto his knees, breathing heavily. Magnus starts towards him, but stops of his own accord when John coughs convulsively. The six of you wait as he gets his breathing under control and then looks up, not even looking at any of you yet, just _looking_.

"Holy fucking _shit_ ," he says softly, and then his eyes lock onto yours, and you can see in them that he's already come around to your side and is just planning to wait to admit it. "Merle, do you have any... do you think I could have some water?"

"Sure! Does anyone have a, uh, cup, or bottle, or pitcher?"

"Here," says Lucretia, coming up from the back of the group and hurriedly folding a cup out of a sheet of paper torn from one of her notebooks. You cast create water, and only overflow it a little bit for how long it's been since you had to use that spell.

John throws it back like a shot and chokes, barely swallowing half of what was in the cup to begin with, and getting his suit wet, but he holds the cup out again and demands,

"More."

You refill the cup, and he drinks it, and this cycle continues a couple more times before Taako interjects,

"Damn, I guess we should have called you the _thirst_."

John laughs at that, and Lup gasps. 

"Wait... This guy is the _hunger_?"

Everyone looks at her confusedly except Taako, who has a wicked, anticipatory grin on his face. 

"At your service," says John. 

"Oh my god," Lup mutters, "Oh my god. Is... is Greg in there?"

Magnus gets it, then, and you hear him struggling not to burst out laughing. Taako's smile is getting bigger by the second. 

"I don't... is Greg your, uh,"

Lup interrupts, and says through gritted teeth,

"Greg Grimmaldis owes me fifteen dollars."

Taako whoops, and Magnus holds a hand up for a high five. John looks at you confusedly.

"Are the five of you... always like this?"

"Yup," says Magnus. "I'm Magnus."

"I'm Taako. That's Lup," says Lup, laughing even as she makes the joke. Taako elbows her, but goes along with it as John says it's nice to meet them. 

"They're joking," says Lucretia. "She's Lup and he's Taako."

John looks at you again like a deer in the headlights, and sticks his hand out for Lucretia to shake. 

"I'm John."

"Yeah, uh, enough formalities," Lup says. "Is it true that all those worlds you've eaten are still alive in there?"

John tilts his head, and checks out for just a moment before responding.

"They should be, yes."

"Excellent."

"The thing is, I'm not really... in charge anymore."

Lucretia frowns, and starts writing furiously in her notebooks, while Magnus looks at you and says,

"Merle... you never told us _this_."

"I didn't tell him," says John. "It's true, though. The dissatisfaction in there? It's too entrenched for me to destabilise on my own. It was almost out of my abilities to come here, in fact I might not be part of the hunger at all anymore."

There's a long pause before Taako says,

"Goddammit."

"You're the one who started this, though. You're the reason any of it is happening at all."

Lup's tone of voice is accusatory, and John puts his hands up defensively even as he agrees with her. 

"So now what," says Magnus.

"We-- you, I guess, need some way to break the bonds between the hunger and the planes it's consumed."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, there's a shrieking sound, like two huge icebergs crashing into each other, and the hunger's scout is back, taking up nearly a fifth of the sky, forming disorienting patterns as it swirls. John falls to his knees. You see his mouth open in pain, but you don't hear him scream, because the noise from the hunger is louder than everything else. 

And just as suddenly, it stops, and John is on the ground panting, several cracks now visible in his form. You rush over to him before you know what you're doing, and put a hand on his shoulder to cast Cure Wounds.

It has absolutely no effect. 

"Thank you, Merle, but I'm not exactly... alive. I don't know what I am, but I don't think I can be healed."

"Fuck your limitations," you say, and cast it again, using twice the maximum amount of magic you can normally put into one spell without losing your breath. When the spell is almost ended and there's no visible change, you grab hold of it and channel even more magic, because goddammit, you are not giving this up. John tries to push you away, but your grip is tight on his shoulder. You see the cracks in his form close just slightly, but just after that, you have to release the spell, because you are _out of magic_. 

John looks at you with a totally flabbergasted expression on his face. 

"I stand corrected. Merle, thank you, but you look like shit."

You stagger, and you can sort of hear Taako asking,

"Did you just use _all_ your spell slots on one healing spell?"

You can't answer him. You're too busy fainting. 

You wake up a few days later. John is still around, hair immaculate, looking just like when you met him save for the small cracks around his temples and mouth, and possibly other places. You don't ask, because you don't think he'd answer. 

"It's good to see you awake, Merle. And with a shirt on. I'll be honest, I was genuinely worried I had killed you again."

"Ah, what's a little death between friends, right?"

Nobody laughs. 

"But tell me, John, why are you still here?"

"Well," he says, "I don't think I can go back. I think that... that this is it for me. I think I'm going to be consumed, Merle, and destroyed for giving your crew the information you need to take down the hunger."

"Oh," you say. 

"For the last time," Davenport cuts in, "We aren't his crew. _I'm_ the captain here."

"That's why his name is Cap'nport, John," says Magnus. 

"When did you and Barry get back," you ask Davenport, surprised that he'd be willing to let John anywhere near the Starblaster. 

"A couple days ago. John's suggestion makes scientific sense, and we've checked; there's no bond anymore between him and the hunger. He's just... afloat. Like we are."

"Oh. Do you think he could come with us?"

"No way. Not only is it just plain impossible, I doubt he and Barry could get along for any length of time, and Barry was here first."

"What's up with you and Barry?" you ask John. 

"Our styles sort of... clash. Would you believe that I remembered my last name as soon as he said his?"

"You're a Bluejeans?"

"No. God, no. My full name is John Nicepants."

"Is it really."

You can tell by the small smirk that appears on his face that he's joking, and you laugh heartily.

"That was a good one."

"Thanks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you liked this! I'll post the next chapter on December 7th.


	2. Flush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a flashback. I didn't italicise it, because I do all my formatting in HTML and I would've had to put italics tags around every single paragraph. When you see a tilde (~) on its own line, that's the flashback starting, and when you see another one, that's the end of the flashback.
> 
> This chapter also includes use of the spell Warding Bond, a Level 2 Cleric spell that lets a Cleric take half of the damage dealt to a creature as long as both of them are wearing identical platinum rings.
> 
> The Homestuck references start to show up here. They're still very vague, though.

Several weeks after you wake up, something... strange happens. You and John are playing cards on a table in the ship's common area, and there's a loud squealing noise from the engine as it starts up seemingly without cause. And it doesn't normally make any sound at all, which is how you both know that something is terribly, terribly wrong. Everyone comes running.

John is sitting stock-still, and you can understand why; Magnus is the first through the airlock, and he is definitely in ass-kicking mode. You've already given John a platinum ring that you have a match to in preparation for something similar, and so you're ready. As soon as you see Magnus, you cast warding bond. The rings both begin to glow, and Magnus pauses.

"Is that the one--"

"This is the one where if you hurt him, it hurts me too."

"Well you can just come back, he's not a part of this--"

Barry says, on his way to the engine room,

"Maybe not anymore-- where's Davenport?"

"What do you _mean_ , not anymore," Magnus says, and Davenport goes rushing through the room. 

"What's going on," Lup asks, as she strolls in. "Are we killing John now?"

"Not yet," says Magnus. 

"Something happened to the bond engine, I'd assume," says John, and Magnus draws his axe and rests an elbow on the back of John's chair. 

"How do you know that?"

"It's a fairly obvious mental leap-- Could we not do this now?"

"I think that now is a great time--"

"Uh, yeah, it's really not," Lup says. "Look, let's just wait for Barry and Davenport to figure out what's up, and if it's John's fault, _then_ we kill him. How does that sound to you?"

Magnus grumbles, but puts his axe away. 

"It probably is at least indirectly my fault," says John, slowly. "I made the hunger feel threatened when I told you guys to break the bonds. And I came up with the idea for what it just did maybe twenty cycles ago. But, I swear, I didn't do this, and I wouldn't do it anymore, and I _can_ tell you that the hunger has severely weakened itself, and if the eight--"

"Nine," says Magnus, "I have a fish buddy."

"If the nine of us can figure out how to fix this, it won't try it again."

"Well, that's good," you say, trying to defuse the situation.

"So what _did_ the hunger do?" Lup narrows her eyes at him.

"It... sent agents through the ethereal plane to pull apart the bonds powering your engine one by one."

And you feel it, now that he mentions it. There were so many connections that you had gotten used to that just... aren't there anymore.

"Lup, could you maybe cast blink--"

"Oh, Taako's already on that," she says. 

"Cool. Cool cool cool," says Magnus. 

"Yeah, so--" Taako stumbles coming back into this plane, and he is visibly shaken. "We have a situation."

"Fuck," Magnus says. 

"Guys, we have a situation," says Davenport, as he reenters the room. You snort. 

"Yeah, no shit," Lup says. 

"Barry says the bond engine is just... broken. Dead. Caput. Which means..." Davenport takes a deep breath. "This is it."

"Ah... if I may," begins John, and everyone glares at him except for you. 

"Hey, can someone tell me why this asshole isn't dead yet?" Taako says. 

"Well, you'll have to ask Merle." Magnus is glowering at you like you personally burned his entire duck collection.

"This isn't unsalvageable," John insists. "You have the light. Use it. You can create and destroy bonds, and there's most of the year left--"

Barry walks in, then, and says,

"Hey, so, I'm gonna need the light of creation for this and I just want to make sure that's cool with everyone, I know I've been hogging it these past few cycles whenever we have it, but... This is sort of a different situation."

"You're totally welcome to it, my man," says Taako. 

"Cool," Magnus repeats. "Coool."

Just in case, you don't end your spell yet. You've spent fifty years with these people, and you know exactly how quickly things can go pear-shaped.

The seven of you other than Barry wait idly in the community area for about fifteen minutes. You watch John fiddle with the ring on his finger, twirling it around, and you set down your cards face up, reflecting that your hand wasn't even that good this round anyway.

After that fifteen minutes, Lup gets bored, and just walks out without saying a word. Everyone else eventually files out too when they realise that fixing the engine might actually take some time. Everyone except you, John, and Magnus, that is. 

"John, do you think I could talk to Merle, alone?"

John heaves a sigh, and sets his cards down to reveal a 9-high straight flush in hearts. 

"I suppose. I'll be just outside."

"Cool," says Magnus, taking John's seat and waiting until he leaves to look at you solemnly.

"Merle, is there anything you can cast to keep him from listening in?"

"Not if I want to keep the bond up," you tell him. "What's so important that he can't know about?"

Magnus hesitates. 

"What's your relationship with him? How do you... Do you really care about him as much as you say you do?"

"Of course I do!" you exclaim, somewhat offended. 

"Okay, okay, I get that. What I don't get is _why_."

"What do you mean, _why_."

Magnus sighs. 

"Look. I don't want this to be an argument. I'm just... worried about a lot of things."

"Me too. There's... there's a lot to worry about right now. But Magnus, I have faith that things are gonna be okay. Not just faith in Pan, faith in you, and everyone else, and myself, and John. I know that... that we're going to do what we can, and I'm at peace with whatever the result is."

"How can you just... be okay with the thought of, of _failure_ after we've come so far? How _aren't_ you freaking out right now?"

"Well... I have you guys."

Magnus looks exasperated, conflicted. He heaves a sigh, and says,

"Back to the subject. How do you know we can trust John?"

You hesitate. 

"Because I know what makes him tick. You have to understand, Magnus, we're his first contact in... Pan only knows how long. I've seen him vulnerable, and I've seen him at his lowest point, and I've seen him doubting himself. I've seen him _change_."

"How do you know..." Magnus cuts himself off and makes a face, then leans back in the chair and tries again. "But he could have been faking that."

You shake your head. 

"Do you remember Emily Dickinson, from our world, the elven poetess who spent her whole life in the same room?"

"I've heard of her."

"She's got this poem that starts off, 'I like a look of Agony/ Because I know it's true.' It's the same thing here. When you see the conflict in someone's face, when you see their pain, it's impossible to mistake anything else for it."

"I guess I see what you're saying, Merle, but I don't trust him."

"I'm not asking you to trust him, Magnus; I'm asking you to trust me."

Magnus stands up. 

"Well, I'll go check on Fisher now."

"If John's still waiting out there, send him in, would you?"

"Sure."

You know John is still within sixty feet, because the spell hasn't ended of its own accord yet, but sixty feet is still sort of a wide radius, so you figure he could have gone outside. 

He walks right in, though, still messing with the ring, and when you notice that, you sort of frown, and say,

"Does it itch, or something?"

John ducks his head, a hand on the back of his chair, but he doesn't sit yet. 

"No, I was just... curious, as to your intentions."

"Well, I told you about Magnus, and his tendency to rush into things. And I don't want you getting hurt."

"Yes, you told me that part. I don't know. I'm thinking too hard about this."

"No, tell me."

He shakes his head. 

"I'd really rather not dwell on it."

"Well... Okay. If you're sure."

"I'm sure."

The two of you resume your card game. You get a better hand this time, but strangely, John doesn't seem very engaged. He keeps fiddling with the ring and staring off into space introspectively, and you wrack your brain for any possible explanation for his behaviour.

You remember when you gave him the ring in the first place. You already had one that matched a ring of Lucretia's, so it seemed natural to extend that to John, if only as a precaution. You went out to the little shed he's been living in, since there's not an extra room for him on the ship, and he welcomed you in. You remember his decorations surprised you, because of the massive murals of oceans he'd painted on the walls. His style is different from Lucretia's, not realistic and not quite impressionist either.  
~  
To be frank, it's almost childlike. He didn't choose any particular perspective, just painted wave shapes and filled them in crudely, and he seems almost embarrassed when he notices you studying them. 

"I used to live by an ocean," he explains.

"That sounds great."

"It was," he says wistfully. "I miss it. Sometimes, right on the cusp of sunset and dusk, the sky would light up in flashes of red and blue and green, like black opal. It was beautiful."

"I'll bet. Listen, though, John, I'm not just here to talk tonight."

"Oh?"

"I have... a proposal, an offer, for you."

"...Ah."

You sigh, and ask him,

"Do you ever feel threatened by the others, do they ever scare you?"

"Not really. Well, maybe just a little bit."

And you think that might be the first lie he's ever told to you. You pull the ring out of your pocket and hold it out to him. 

"I know a spell to help with that, but it needs us both to be wearing these rings."

John takes the ring and looks at it, asks you,

"Does it matter which finger?"

"Nope. Just, any one is fine."

He tries the ring on his middle finger, but it doesn't quite fit over his knuckle, so he just slides it onto his ring finger.

"I don't expect anyone to try something, but just in case, I don't want to be regretting not making arrangements for if they did."

"I understand."

"How are you settling in, John?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you doing okay, what with this whole suddenly being alive again thing?"

"Oh." He laughs. "That. I'm doing alright. When I first got here it was pretty jarring. Seeing the sky, especially so. And the feeling of breathing was just... so foreign to me."

You chuckle. 

"I'll bet."

"It's funny, Merle. A few cycles ago, I wouldn't have even considered the possibility of... of seeing you, in person. I was so... _lost_."

He looks up at you, something like sadness shining in his eyes. 

"Life, Merle, now that I have it again?" He heaves a sigh, looks back down at the table. "Is so, so deep, and so, so profound. I know this analogy kind of falls flat considering the sheer scale of your journey, but Merle, life is a fucking ocean."

"No, I know what you mean. Life is the whole ocean, and we're just here standing on the shore of it."

He smiles, then, and turns to face you. 

"It's been so long since I've thought about the ocean, Merle."

"Well, you've been too busy trying to outdo it."

He chuckles. 

"I suppose."  
~  
"Merle? It's your turn."

"Oh," you say, snapping out of your reverie. He has a guarded expression on his face, and he's taken the ring off to put it on the table in front of him.

"Actually, no, forget the cards. Merle, I'm not really comfortable with you _gambling your life_ to protect me."

As he says that, Barry walks in, and the two of you stare at him awkwardly as he asks,

"Have either of you seen my second wand?"

You shake your head, and Barry heaves a sigh and walks around the table to get to the cabinets, which he starts to rummage through.

"Merle, seriously. I appreciate the gesture, but if something else goes wrong with your ship, if the hunger fucks with it more, you might not come back. And that thought is more unbearable to me than even my own mortality, Merle. I'm already lost, so what's the difference, at this point, between _sooner_ and _later_?"

"John, I-- What are you saying, I'm the one who _brought_ you here, I have to make sure you don't get killed because of it."

"Merle, you only invited me here. I came here because I decided, of my own accord, that this, that _life_ , Merle, is inherently more than--"

"Found it," Barry says, shutting the cabinets. 

"Well," John continues, once Barry leaves. "I'm here because I chose to be, and that's that. I don't want you to cast your spell again."

He slides the ring back across the table, but waits a few moments to pull his hand back, like he sort of wants to keep it. But he does pull his hand back in the end, and you take the ring and put it in your pocket. And that is that. 

A few hours later, Barry calls everyone in to say the engine should be fixed now. He looks at John as he says it, like there's more he wants to say, but the moment passes and you probably just imagined it.

The rest of the cycle passes slowly. The cracks in John's form slowly widen, crisscrossing his neck and jaw now, and one unsettling crack opens diagonally across his face. It's a very visible reminder of how little time he has left. You're feeling torn up about it, but the rest of the crew doesn't seem to care, which makes it worse. Lup has come to enjoy verbal sniping with John, whenever she gets particularly bored. She points it out every time one of the cracks spreads. He tells you one day that he feels it, he feels the storm within him growing, but it seems like he should last at least until the hunger comes, so it's probably worth trying to bring him along.

The months pass, and the hunger is late. Nobody quite knows what to make of this. John reminds them that it exhausted itself breaking the bond engine, and Davenport almost flips out, accusing him of trying to lull you guys into a false sense of security. John meets your eyes from across the room and he looks scared, and you wish you still had that ring on him.

Barry deescalates the situation, surprising everyone, and that night is very quiet as all of you avoid each other to keep the argument from starting back up again. You go over to John's house, and ask him to consider taking the ring again. 

"Merle... I just can't do that. It's scary, yes, but I'd rather be scared for myself than worried that I'll take you with me."

"Well, alright. I figured I'd just ask. Are you busy tonight?"

"I'm never busy, Merle. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I was hoping... could we maybe talk? Not about anything in particular, just talking."

"Of course."

You sit next to him on his couch, and the two of you talk until late at night, when something occurs to you and you ask him,

"You do sleep, right?"

He cocks his head to the side, a puzzled look on his face.

"Sleep?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the next chapter on December 14th. Please comment if you enjoyed this!


	3. Hunger Halved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beach episode! and hints at a backstory for John. Also, Taako has a few moments.

John keeps up the sleep joke for two whole days before you finally find him asleep in a goddamn _tree_. You complain to Lup about it because she happens to be nearby, and she thinks it's the funniest thing ever. 

"Really, Merle, I'm _cracking_ up."

"Oh, ha ha. Go ahead and laugh at ol' Merle, see if I care."

"I just can't believe you fucking fell for that! He used to be human!"

Well, anyway. The nine of you are able to spend another six months in that world before the hunger's storm appears on the horizon, half the size of normal. In those six months, you discover that, not only is John allergic to peanuts, but he has an insatiable need to prank those around him. He doesn't mess with Magnus, Lup, Taako, Lucretia, Davenport, or Barry, though, which is basically a very roundabout way of saying that he exclusively pranks you. He gets some sincere high fives from Lup that way, and you get a good laugh out of them too, but it is something weird that you never would have expected from him. But back to the hunger. 

It's... It's still enourmous, but compared to every other time you've seen it, it's fucking _miniscule_ , and everyone looks at John like they're just realising that he _might_ have done you guys a favour, pissing the hunger off enough that it used half of its being to strike at you early. John is staring at the storm like it owns him, jaw hanging slightly open, unblinking eyes fixed on the darkness. You grab his hand and tug hard, towards the ship, and then he looks you in the eye and tries to hang back. 

"John, come _on_ ," Barry says, and Lup looks at him like he's just spouted off some bullshit in Celestial. 

"I don't think--" he cuts himself off and looks back at the storm almost with longing, and you see the movement of his throat as he swallows. He sighs, and says to you softly, without turning back around, "Merle, could I have that ring back?"

You frown, but take it out of your pocket to hand it to him. He takes it, and slips it onto his finger before sighing once more and following you onto the ship. The Starblaster takes off, and right as you reach the boundary between planes, John grabs your hand, and tells you, voice tight,

"I think I'm going to die."

And the seven of you are remade. You pray silently to Pan before you open your eyes, and hear Taako curse in surprise. 

And then you hear John's voice,

"Sorry. Holy fuck. That was..."

You open your eyes, and see him, alive, real. 

"What happened?"

"Yeah, uh, apparently you were standing right where I usually reform, and when I got there, he was holding my hand," Taako says indignantly.

Everyone fucking breaks down laughing; even Davenport has a smile on his face. 

"Did it work?" asks Barry. "Did you feel yourself being... unmade and then remade?"

"Is that what that was?"

"Wait..." Lup says. "Babe... Did _what_ work?"

Barry makes a face. 

"Well, when I was repairing the bond engine... I put in a connection with John. I just couldn't get it, well, strong enough right then, so I figured he'd need to be on the ship when we came to a new world for it to work, and that's why I didn't tell anyone. I figured someone might do something drastic, and I knew I could always tell you guys later, but before we left, in the unlikely event that he turned out to be untrustworthy."

"Unlikely, he says," mutters Lup under her breath. 

"Barry," says Magnus. "I'm going to ask you the same thing I asked Merle over a year ago. What exactly made you decide to trust this guy?"

"Well, I don't know if that's really my business to share, but I overheard an emotional conversation while I was looking for my second wand, and I could tell," he addresses John as he says this, "I could tell you really cared about Merle, and that the idea of him being hurt because of-- well, because of you, was hurting you deeply."

Magnus looks at John, as if to confirm that, and John nods.

"Now, Taako, John," Lup says, "I do hope the two of you realise that this means you guys are going to reform holding hands every single time."

"Fuck!" Taako says. "Fuck. No offense, John, I'm just... not crazy about the sort of cold clamminess of the skin, you feel me?"

"I... suppose," says John, confusedly.

"Anyway," says Taako, "what kind of place do we got this time?"

"It looks like mostly oceans," Davenport replies.

It _is_ mostly oceans, as it turns out. Davenport finds a small, empty island right at the planet's equator, and takes the Starblaster down to land on it. After testing the air outside the ship, which he started doing because of the spores in the world of Fungston, Davenport gives the okay to disembark.

The island is gorgeous, and so is the water, blue and calm. The only indication of anything less than ideal are the recently downed trees scattered across the island. Other than that, it's idyllic, and John blinks into the sun and then looks back at you when he sees it. There's a soft, profound expression on his face, and he says,

"Merle, thank you." He turns to the others. "Thank you _everyone_ , for--" there's tears shining in his eyes-- "for accommodating my presence here. I know you don't all like me."

"That's an understatement," says Lup.

"Yeah, it's gonna be such a _hassle_ , hurriedly letting go of your hand at the start of every cycle, I don't know how I'll survive."

"We'll have to iron out the details of where you'll stay every cycle later, but for now I think we could all use some time to wind down. Let's meet back up here in half an hour and talk about this," says Davenport.

The sand is a dark, glimmering black, and as you and John walk along the shore, you notice him fiddling again with the ring on his finger. 

"Merle, do you remember when you told me.... about friendship being big?"

"Yeah?"

"I feel it, now." He sighs contently, and looks out over the sea. "I feel it."

When it comes time to meet up with the others, John starts fiddling even more with the ring, and you ask him,

"Can I help you feel better about this in any way?"

He shrugs, and doesn't meet your eyes. 

"If you need a break from the conversation for any reason, just find some way to let me know and I'll get them to back off, okay?"

He nods. 

"I appreciate your support, Merle, more than I can say."

It goes alright. You have to call for a break after about twenty minutes, because you notice John's cracks widening, spreading, ever so slightly. You and him walk out onto the beach and you watch his shoulders shake from behind him. After a few minutes, he asks you, without turning around,

"Merle, do you think I deserve to be here?"

You pause, and bend over to pick up a jet black and white striped shell from the beach. 

"I don't know, John. But I sure am glad you are."

He nods.

"Thank you."

Nobody's really comfortable yet with John living full-time on the ship, so it's agreed that getting him another house built should be pretty high on the priorities list. Barry has an idea for a way to store a small house in some sort of special magic thing that you don't quite get, so once the meeting adjourns, he works on that with Lup and Taako while you and Magnus set to work collecting downed trees to use in John's house. It's while you're doing that that you find a cave with signs of life around the entrance, and you call Magnus over to take a look. 

"Oh, maybe John can live in here."

"No, look," you say, pointing at the mat at the entrance, which is woven out of some sort of fibre, and has one word in a language you don't recognise worked into the pattern.

"Oh, shit. We should let Davenport know about this, see what he wants to do."

"Right, let me just copy down these symbols, see if Lucretia can recognise them."

Lucretia has no idea, and while the three of you are waiting for Davenport, John comes in. When he sees the paper, and the symbols on it, he frowns.

"What's that?"

"We found it on a mat by this cave in the woods," says Magnus. 

"What does it mean?"

"We don't know."

"Oh. Anyway, Merle, can I talk to you?"

"Sure."

The two of you go into the other room.

"What's up?"

"Are you sure you want me to share your room while my house is built?"

"Well, yeah, I wouldn't have suggested it if I wasn't sure about it. Why do you ask?"

"I just..." he looks away. "I wanted to make sure, is all."

"Well. I'm sure."

In the end, it's Magnus and Lucretia who go to investigate the cave; Lup, Taako, and Barry are busy with a permanent solution for John's house, and you and John are working on building. They come back with the news that there were massive storms for six straight months before your arrival, which is why there's so many downed trees. It's interesting, but not particularly important. 

A few days later, the light of creation falls, and John realises... John realises that he can _feel_ it. He and Barry take the ship out over the sea and come back with the light in just a few days, which seals the deal for everyone who still doubted him.

Once John's house is built, you start working on gifts again. You think you'll actually give them nice things this time, but act in that same obliviously proud manner as last time when you give them out, so that everyone is taken aback. John gets wind of this plan, and asks if he can help with the trickery aspect of it. You figure why not, and he takes it a step further, engineering whispered conversations about plans within earshot of the others to give them the impression that the two of you are planning a massive prank with these gifts. 

You make Lucretia a paint palette out of wood and some shells (the shells act as wells for the paint), because you figure there's no such thing as having too many of those. When you present it to her, she seems apprehensive but hiding it, and when she sees what it is, she tries to hide her surprise. It's not as satisfying to prank her, because she's a genuinely kind person, so you decide to let her in on the fact that last time's gifts were a huge joke. She doesn't quite get it, but she seems to feel slightly better about hating the gift you made her then. 

For Magnus, you carve a duck into a round, flat piece of shell, and then make holes so he can tie it onto the handle of his axe and have a duck axe. He looks like he wants to run away when you give it to him, but upon opening it, he's genuinely touched. He immediately gets his axe and ties it on. You also give him a duck token to give to Fisher, because you know how he gets when people forget his fish buddy. 

You're at a loss for what to make for Taako until you remember the story he told once about these spoons his aunt had that were made out of mother of pearl. You ask Lup to describe them, and she looks at you suspiciously until you let her in on the prank, and she tells you that the best gift you could possibly give her is nothing. She wants nothing except to be there when you give Taako the spoons. So you agree, and replicate these old spoons as well as you can. 

When you give Taako the package, he heaves a sigh and rolls his eyes. 

"Oh, did you make me more sandals, how sweet of you, I hope they don't fly away this time."

"No, it's better than sandals."

"Oh, dear."

He opens it, and when he sees the spoons there's a single moment where you can see how much it means to him, and then he crosses his arms. 

"Spoons? I have plenty of spoons. Thanks, Merle, but this is the worst gift I've ever gotten. It's like getting someone socks."

Lup snorts. 

"Whatever you say, pal," you tell him. "I guess I can take those back, and make you replacement sandals, if--"

"No! No, that won't be necessary, I wouldn't want to impose."

So that's Taako's gift. 

The other gifts go much the same way. There's literally nothing notable there.

You and John share a room on the ship for the first few weeks this cycle, and a couple nights in, you turn around while he's taking off his button-down and see massive, worrisome cracks crisscrossing his chest and arms. He assures you that he's fine, that it doesn't hurt, but you still badly want to try and heal them. He won't let you. You at least get him to promise that, if the damage isn't undone at the start of the next cycle, he'll let you try. 

The hunger is six months late again this cycle, and you spend much of the extra time with John, watching the cracks slowly spread over his hands, where he can't hide them with long sleeves. The two of you find a diamond while exploring the island, one that would be worth probably at least 1,000 gp if there were any economy here, and take turns holding it up to the light to watch it sparkle.

One evening very near the end of the cycle, you sit with John on a rocky outcropping overlooking the beach. You take his left hand, the one with the ring, in the two of yours, and he breathes a soft sigh, eyes slipping shut. 

"You're sure it doesn't hurt any?"

"No, it just feels... wild. Uncontained. Sometimes it aches."

"Aches how?"

"Like hunger."

John holes up in the Starblaster for the few days leading up to the hunger's arrival. When you ask him why, he says that he'd rather not try to handle being so close to the hunger again, and you don't press the issue. 

When the Starblaster takes off, Lup and Barry stay behind, and the rest of you watch as they fight the hunger. This time, when the two of them die, red-robed spirits rise out of their bodies and continue the fight, and when the two of them reform, they're smiling; Lup hugely, and Barry in more of a nerd way.

Taako lets go of John's hand and asks,

"What _was_ that?"

"Oh, Barry and I are liches now."

"It's so that someone can still take the ship out if everyone dies," Barry says. "Lup and I figured it'd be... prudent to make this happen as soon as possible, considering the, uh... Circumstances."

There's a short awkward silence as everyone tries not to look at John, and then Lup says,

"And by that we mean John."

John is the first person off the Starblaster when it lands, and you follow after him. His strides are long, and he doesn't seem to be paying very good attention to where he's going. You don't have a lot of time either to notice your surroundings, but there's pine needles on the ground and massive trunks that reach up to the sky. You're in some sort of forest, one that's quieter than death and very old. 

You finally catch up to him in a perfectly circular clearing with a smooth stone floor. It doesn't seem at all natural, but John hasn't noticed. He's standing at the circle's centre, staring up at the sky and not moving. 

"John?"

He doesn't turn around, but he says,

"It's not surprising that they mistrust me."

"I mean, I guess--"

"And I can't expect them to forget what I've done."

"John--"

"So I ask you now, why do I feel this way? Why should what they think affect me like this?"

And a spotlight shines down from the heavens. 

John's shoulders begin to shake, and he falls to his knees. You get the impression that you're witnessing something intimate here, something that isn't yours to see. 

"Since I started being a person again, I thought... I assumed if I could exist and breathe air and, and see the sky from time to time, I'd love it, and it would be good. But now I feel hurt and there's not a single mark on my body, and it hurts, it aches inside me worse than hunger. I don't remember how to make it stop."

The light dims, but brightens again, and everything in the clearing is suddenly saturated with colour. The cracks in John's form aren't black anymore, but glow with rainbow light like prisms. You hear him sob.

The light reaches a peak and then slowly wanes, and it's a while before John says anything else, but when he does, it's soft, shaky. 

"Thank you."

The light drains from the clearing, and with it, the feeling that you shouldn't be here watching this. It is just a regular evening, and this clearing, despite its strange floor, is just that: strange. Not special, but weird.

"John... What was that?"

John stands shakily and turns to face you, and you see that he's different; the cracks in his form are completely gone, and there's something about his eyes--

"That was my god, Merle."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the next chapter on December 18th. Please comment if you enjoyed this!


	4. Umbra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Homestuck references really start to pick up here. There's also a creation myth. And we find out more about John as he and Merle grow closer together.
> 
> The asterisk in this chapter is a sentence where English grammar won't let me do the exact thing I want to do. If I were writing in Spanish, I'd say "el cuarto tuyo llega a ser el cuarto vuestro," but English doesn't distinguish between second person singular and second person plural well enough. It's not important to the story, just a small grammar note.

You guess it really shouldn't surprise you that the man who convinced an entire world to agree on a single course of action was a man of the cloth. But it does. 

There's a lot of reasons; how convinced he was that he would die before he knew he would reform like the rest of you, his disillusionment with life in general before he left the hunger. John explains to you that this is the first time he's felt the presence of his god since before he created the hunger, and you congratulate him on reconnecting. He smiles. 

The two of you make your way back to the ship together, smiling and talking all the way, and you realise what's different about his eyes: they used to have tiny, barely-noticeable cracks in them, but they don't anymore. They're just a solid, comforting brown. You ask him if his eyesight is any different now.

"It's amazing, Merle, _everything_ has a colour. Everything! And I can see them beyond just _knowing_ what colour something is, I see why people have favourites now."

He talks nonstop the whole way back, not even stopping when you get there and the others begin to look at him strangely. He's said more words in the past ten minutes than he did in almost fifty cycles of Parley. 

"You're looking good, John," says Barry cautiously. 

"I hooked back up with my god," John replies, "and I can see colours now. I'm feeling good, too!"

"Why didn't you do it sooner?"

"They... aren't around in every world, I think."

Barry unveils a prototype of John's portable house, and that makes everyone pretty happy until you all step inside it to check it out and discover it smells like mould. John isn't bothered, just amused, and he tells Barry,

"You'll get it figured out. I've heard about how good you are with these things, and in a few cycles this'll just be a story we all laugh at on my couch."

John's good mood continues well into the cycle, unnerving everyone on the crew. You're the only one who doesn't actively avoid him; even Lucretia makes her excuses and leaves when he arrives at a gathering. And he's started expressing boredom, dissatisfaction. He often looks around like he's looking for more, and that scares you. 

"I thought there was so much to see a few months ago, Merle, but I'm looking around and this is _nothing_. There has to be more to this. There has to be something _bigger_."

All you can do is wait for the end of the cycle and hope he's back to normal after this. It feels like a horrible thing to hope for, because you know how much it bothers him to have a piece of the hunger in him, but you can't listen to him talking this way for the rest of however long it takes to contain the hunger. You just can't. 

Finally, the hunger arrives. John stays behind, despite your best attempts to convince him to leave. 

"Here," he says, dropping the ring into your hand without looking to make sure you have it. "I won't need it where I'm going."

You get on the ship without him, because you aren't really in the mood to die again, but just before you leave, you hear him laugh.

The ship escapes, everything wobbles, and the eight of you reform. John staggers and falls to the floor, taking Taako with him. 

He stays on the floor, breathing heavily, for a few moments before he says,

"Fuck. _Fuck_ , that was such a fuck up."

"Tell me about it, dude," Taako says. "I have a bruise now."

John tells you later that without that piece of the hunger in him he didn't grasp the consequences of getting too cocky. His god isn't in this cycle, and he seems sort of relieved about that. When you ask, he says that he doesn't think he could possibly face them after what he did in the last cycle. 

"I... tried to rejoin the hunger, Merle. And Merle, now that it knows it gets me back if it heals me... I need to stay far away from it."

"It didn't kill you?"

"It didn't even try."

Everyone else is still wary of him, and it almost hurts to see how hard he tries to be unobtrusive and kind. They don't give him much of a chance, but he doesn't push it. He's so patient you know he has to be suppressing his feelings somehow. 

"John... Are you feeling okay?"

"Just fine, Merle." He smiles, but not too big-- you can tell he's trying not to seem too upbeat. 

"You've been walking on eggshells this whole cycle, I mean. How are you holding up?"

"I told you, Merle, I'm fine."

You look at him solemnly, and take his hand in yours.

"Would you like the ring again?"

He shrugs, almost like he doesn't know what he's _supposed_ to answer. 

"I think... yeah. I do."

You slip it onto his finger, and he seems slightly more assured when he takes his hand back and studies it, like he likes the confirmation that you've accepted him, or maybe he just likes the way it looks. You aren't opposed to how it looks on him either, even though it's just a simple platinum band. He smiles at you again, but it's less fake than before, and you return it, relieved.

Barry approaches you a couple weeks into that cycle to tell you he's worked out the kinks with John's house, and when you let John know, he thanks Barry quietly. They shake hands. 

The house doesn't smell mouldy anymore, and Barry offers to bond it to John's soul. You can tell John finds the idea of a soulbound house absolutely _hilarious_ , but he just nods and chokes back his laughter. 

"That'd be great. Do you know if the contents would transfer between cycles?"

Barry makes a face. 

"You'd have to test that out, I think."

Lucretia has been withdrawn, often writing furiously in her notebooks, holed up in her room. She asks you one day to teach her a shield spell, and because you're worried about her emotional state, you agree, saying,

"Of course! I'll always help you out if you need it, Lucretia."

You start to teach her shield of faith, but she doesn't make much progress until you realise that John being there makes her nervous and discretely ask him to leave. You aren't sure where he goes while you're helping her out, but he and Magnus seem to reach a sort of ceasefire over the course of Lucretia's lessons.

That cycle is tense, but in it you learn more about John than you ever imagined he'd reveal. He tells you about growing up on the beach, with black sand and black shells all around, and the way the sun felt on his face. He tells you about when he first felt the power of his god, when he swam out too far at night and everyone was asleep and he truly, genuinely believed he was going to die. He tells you about seeing the moon get so big it hurt to look at it, and about the circle of light that lit him from above, and how the water calmed around him, how he was able to swim to shore. He tells you, Merle, a story, about a god that supported him and allowed him to find his way back out of the abyss, and he tells you about moving inland but still somehow drowning in dissatisfaction miles away from the ocean.

All of this is revealed over the course of several months, in tiny fragments that you have to piece together. But it _is_ revealed, and you realise slowly that he wants you to know these things about him, that he _trusts_ you. 

"John, are you happy?"

John sighs.

"In this moment?"

"Well, in general."

He doesn't respond for a few minutes, just thinking, splayed out across the bed like something godly, and you take a moment to just admire him as he considers the question. He has a very strong jaw, and his eyes, despite the haunted quality lent to them by the dark crackle of that piece of the hunger, are determined. 

"I think... I'm certainly happy now, Merle, here with you in this moment. In general... I don't know."

He sighs again, and repeats,

"I just don't know."

The cycle ends, and John learns that objects in his house do stay in it through the cycles, which is a relief. He also learns that he can summon things from his house at will, provided that he knows where in the house they are and that nothing is on top of them. He calls that system his sylladex, and when you ask how he came up with it, he just shrugs and calls it an inside joke.

He's very pensive when it's just the two of you, and you worry that he's rethinking his choice of life over the hunger's mission. You worry that he's rethinking _you_ , and that question does more to keep you up at night than even the idea that he regrets betraying the hunger. 

Mostly, though, you just worry about him. He's fallen into a depression, into something you can't heal just with magic. You work hard behind his back trying to figure out what's wrong, and finally stumble across a vague entry in the old databases in the ship's memory storage talking about a condition called, rather aptly, depression. It's some sort of imbalance in brain chemicals that leads to exhaustion and hopelessness. You show John one day and ask if it sounds familiar, and he frowns for a long moment before looking at you with some muted hope in his eyes. 

"Merle, I think that might be it."

"And of course it could be something the hunger is doing, too--"

"No," he interjects, "no, I've been experiencing this kind of thing for my entire existence."

"Oh. Wow, I... can't imagine."

"Does it list any treatments? Anything I can do to stop feeling this way?"

"This doesn't, but now that I know the word for it, I can search the rest of the database for related entries."

"Let's do that."

You enter in the search condition, and then wait three or so minutes while it searches. When the results pop onto the screen, it's almost disappointing; there's only five of them. Those five are substantial, though, all written by the same person who wrote the first entry you found in that encyclopaedia, a scientist named Lilly Carlsson.

 _This is my life's work,_ the first entry begins, _and I am not very popular for it. There are those who have tried to tell me that this condition is of my own invention purely because I gave it name. If anyone is reading this, it means my work is for a reason. I hope this helps you in some way, because you deserve it. You deserve better than this._

You look over at John upon finishing that first paragraph, and there are tears in his eyes. 

_I know it's not common practice to begin an academic paper in this manner, but as this is somewhat of a sensitive and personal topic to me, I've decided to do so anyway._

You and John read the abstract together, and when he sees the part about medication and side effects, he sucks in a breath and holds it, like he's been confronted with hope for the first time in a while. 

"All of these side effects are horrible, Merle. Seizures, heart problems... but I feel so--"

"Wait, there's a footnote."

You navigate to the footnote, which appears to have been added later, and tells you that this resource is out of date. So you go back to that search page and select the most recent entry on the topic, which tells you about SSRIs and the immense step forward they represented when they were discovered, which, according to the date on this entry, was a mere three months before your mission began. 

So you have a lead now, and John has a reason to hope, but neither of you know the first thing about chemistry or chemical medicine. In every subsequent cycle, you seek out institutions of science, hoping for somewhere more advanced, and eventually you arrive on a world that works with magic and science for its own sake in a system called punch card alchemy. The others all craft magical items in their time there, but you spend yours with John, trying to find a specialist who can help. After a year and three months, you meet a scientist named Roxy Lalonde who's been working on the same problem as Carlsson. When John hears the name Lalonde, he raises his eyebrows. 

"Lalonde?"

"That's right."

"What's her-- What's their first name?"

"Roxy."

John makes a face. 

"Nevermind."

You go to Lalonde, and show her Carlsson's research. She makes progress in leaps and bounds after that, and a month before the hunger is due to arrive, she has John try out a medication she calls Clouds-Away (some guy named Dirk came up with that, she tells you).

The side effects, specifically nausea, are inconvenient, but John is able to function so much better once Lalonde figures out a good dosage. You ask her if it'd be possible to stockpile about fifty years' worth of it, and she informs you that it'd take up a space bigger than your ship itself. You and John glance at each other, and then he says,

"I have a soulbound house."

"A... a soulbound... house. Okay. So I'll... Gosh, I'll get you _fifty years worth_ of this made, then."

She does, and John stores it in his house. There is medication on every single surface at the end of the cycle, and Barry agrees to expand the place so that it's actually usable as a house again. It takes him four cycles and halfway into a fifth to finish, and during that time, John goes back to sharing your room on the ship. There are many peaceful moments between the two of you, and your room starts to be his room too*. He likes to lounge, props his feet up on every surface within days of moving in. He brings in a small plant one day, a species that you don't recognise but that he identifies as _lunaria solemnis_ , a sacred plant from his world that grows in sandy soil near oceans. He tells you the story of its creation, and his voice dips into something powerful as he tells it even though his god isn't in this world.

 _When the world was old and worn,_ he begins, gazing off into the distance, _and all the people tired, there came a day when the sun and the stars decided it was quitting time. The ocean was languid, the earth was soggy and salt-soaked. The world was old, love, the world was tired._

_So the sun and the stars began to put their affairs in order, and the clock of the heavens slowed down as day and night gradually divorced from one another. But this divorce was a messy one, as the sun and the stars could not agree on the ideal time for this world to end. The sun wanted the world to end during the daytime, but the stars thought this wasn't fair, and insisted on a nighttime finale. So they cycled around one another, sending terse messages in the wind, which razed the ground and blew all the soil into dust. Love, if you had seen it, you would agree: this was a dying world, a world on its last legs._

_The sun and stars were fighting now,_ John tells you, _and the ocean decided that this had to stop. Together with the earth, it decided to make someone new, a lawyer for the divorcing day and night. So the ocean gave water while the earth gave metal, and together they fashioned a mirror to hang in the sky, so the sun and stars could see each other even with the world between. And when the ocean and the earth looked together into this mirror, they saw the face of the moon looking back, an entire new person who would mirror the day in the night and the night in the day._

_The moon travelled between day and night, giving the wind a much-needed break. In the day it cast shadows on the earth, reflecting night's darkness, and in the night, it lit the heavens, reflecting day's light. And it can't be a permanent solution, but it is enough to ensure balance for our time._

_The moon is a mirror, love, the moon gave us this time. In the moon we see ourselves reversed, like in a mirror or a pool of water, and we are reminded of our most opposite emotions. The moon keeps our world balanced by reminding the hopeless of hope and the prideful of humility. And the first thing Moon did when they were placed in the sky was this:_

_Moon made copies of themself and planted them in the earth's barren soil, reminding ashes of ashes and dust of dust, reminding a broken world of how it felt to be whole. These smaller moons spread wherever the moon cast light or shadow, growing on shorelines, at the edge of ocean and earth, night and day. And we call them Honesty, because they are Moon's gift to the world, and they are a promise to always show us as we are, with no embellishments or omissions._

" _This peace, this balance cannot last forever,_ they told me. _There will come a day when this world must again choose between light and dark, and this time, we may not have a moon to find the centre path._ Merle, I didn't know it then, but that meant me. They were talking about me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the next chapter on December 21st. Please comment if you enjoyed this!


	5. Honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in this chapter for a vore pun and mild alcohol mention? They drink wine with dinner, is all. 
> 
> There's some numbers listed off in this chapter that are different from in canon. The change is not important to the plot, I only changed them for symbolism reasons.
> 
> So far, the last spoken dialogue in every chapter has belonged to John. After this chapter, that pattern will be broken. 
> 
> The reason the final world has technology ahead of the crew's home world when canon says it's behind is that the length of each cycle was increased by six months, giving this world more time to catch up before their arrival.
> 
> A few things I should clarify about John: He's a cleric. Secondly, the presence of the hunger in his eyes means that his sight is... a little strange. In chapter 3, he revealed that with the hunger, he doesn't have normal colour vision. There's more to it than that.

About twelve cycles (and eighteen years) later, Lucretia tells the group that she thinks she's found a potential solution to this _hunger_ problem. She demonstrates a very impressive shield spell, and says that, if she has the light of creation by the end of the cycle, she should be able to cast the spell around the hunger and lock it away. And the seven of you in the original crew find that this world is honestly quite ideal. It's very similar to your home world, just slightly further along technology-wise, and when the light of creation falls, it falls close by. You retrieve it, and then it hits all of you that this huge journey you're on is over. When the hunger arrives, Lucretia casts her spell, and it works. After that are a few months of sort-of peace, but with John's cracks spreading past where they ever could in previous worlds, you aren't feeling very at home. God, you hope the cracking doesn't kill him.

But something else happens before John's affliction becomes urgently relevant, and that is that one night, during a delicious dinner prepared by Taako, a rift opens up in the air, and a tall, well-dressed, dark-skinned man steps through. He stands there awkwardly for a few moments, then says, in an accent that you can't quite place,

"Sorry to interrupt your meal."

You notice that, beside you, John is stock still. 

"It's no problem, why don't you introduce yourself," Taako says. 

"Merle," John mutters to you, "That's a fucking skeleton."

You frown, and ask him,

"Are you sure? He looks like a normal guy to me."

"He's definitely a skeleton."

"My name is Kravitz," says the man, "and I am here because the seven-- eight?" He takes out a book and flips through it. "No, there's only seven of you here-- which of you is Merle Hightower Highchurch?"

"That's me," you say. 

"Mr. Highchurch, I am a bounty hunter for the Raven Queen, Goddess of the Astral Plane and of Death, and I am here to collect a bounty that has been placed on your head because you have died..." he flips through the book again, and you notice Barry looking nervous. Lup still seems very confident. "Merle Highchurch, my good man... You have died sixty-three times. And here you are in front of me, very clearly still alive. Do you see why this is a problem?"

Before you can answer, he addresses the group,

"In second place is Lup Taaco, with a death count of thirty-six, then Magnus Burnsides with twenty-seven,"

"Was it really only twenty-seven times," Magnus murmurs.

"Barry Bluejeans with eighteen, Taako Taaco with eight, and then you other two have death counts barely worth squabbling over in comparison to the almost insulting number of times your companions have flaunted mortality-- you each have died once. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

John frowns.

"Are you sure there's nothing in there for me?"

"Name?"

"John."

"...Can you give me anything other than just John, there's a lot of Johns in the world."

"I-- I can't, sorry."

"Well, tell me, John, what do you think you've done?"

John shrugs uncomfortably and mutters,

"Nevermind."

"Now, if we could return to the matter at hand. I'm afraid I'm going to have to request that the seven of you with outstanding deaths return with me to the astral plane where you will spend the rest of eternity."

There's a long silence, and then John quietly says,

"No."

Kravitz's form wavers intimidatingly, and he says,

"No?"

"No," John repeats, standing up from the table, voice stronger this time. "They won't be going with you."

Kravitz reaches his hand out to the side and-- _flickers_. A scythe appears in his hand, and his face turns skeletal as a dark cloak materialises on his shoulders, hood up. 

"I'm afraid we aren't really open to negotiations, here, John."

"I'm not initiating a fight, I'm just stating a fact. They won't be going with you because every single time they've died was because of me, and I'm also responsible for them returning to life, in a way."

Kravitz lifts a hand to his head, massaging his temples, and you stare at John in shock.

"John--"

"Well, it's the truth, Merle, isn't it? It _was_ me who killed you over sixty times, I'm the one who chased you ceaselessly from world to world, consuming your home. I created the hunger, and it's only because you befriended me that I'm currently here to tell the story."

"Let me get this straight," says Kravitz, voice absolutely saturated with incredulous frustration. "You--"

"I turned my home world into an all-consuming, power-hungry force composed entirely of existential dissatisfaction and enabled it to rampage across worlds, consuming entire planar systems whenever I could, utterly devastating them when I couldn't, and then I met Merle, killed him over sixty times, and tried to back out, but look, I still have a piece of it with me, and--" his voice breaks-- "and if you don't contain it somehow, it will consume me, and the cycle will start over with _this_ world as its birthplace, so no, Kravitz, they won't be going with you, because I'm the one who's made a mockery of mortality, and I'm the one who will accompany you to the astral plane. Is that understood?"

As emotion starts to saturate his words, the cracks start widening, and you take his hand and squeeze it. He squares his shoulders, facing off with Kravitz across the table, and you feel the ring on your hand start to heat up.

"Or you can ignore my testimony and attack the seven of them, but with this spell I've cast-- you might recognise it, it's called Warding Bond-- when Merle dies, so will I, and when I die... When I die, the hunger is back."

Kravitz hesitates, hand lingering on his scythe, but he soon deflates and recomposes himself back into a form that looks alive. 

"Alright. Alright, here's the deal. You _explain_ what exactly this hunger is, that you keep referring to, I collect _your_ soul, and the seven of them go free, provided that they haven't committed any other offences that I don't know about?"

"Barry and I are liches," Lup says, and Kravitz curses, returning to his skeletal form too quickly for the change to be seen. "But hey, listen, I'm sure we'd be perfectly willing to go along with you once these bodies perish, right, babe?"

"Uh, yeah, 'course," says Barry. 

Kravitz, despite his skeletal form, is somehow conveying an expression of extreme frustration. 

"Do you have any other _ridiculous_ revelations to relay to me, or are you finished now? Is one of you, I don't know, a logic defying creature who eats memories for breakfast, or something?"

There's a very long pause, long enough that Kravitz realises that yes, there is something related to a creature that eats memories for breakfast going on.

"Well... there's Fisher... But he's never died, he's just my fish buddy," Magnus says. 

Kravitz heaves a sigh. 

"I don't care about your fish buddy. It's not against the Raven Queen's laws to eat memories instead of worms, or whatever normal fish eat."

"So do we have an accord?" John prompts, still tense.

"I would say so, as long as you explain to me what the deal is with this otherworldly vorce-- force, I mean."

"Yeah, maybe you could sit down and I'll get you some food-- do you drink wine?" Taako interjects. 

"I wouldn't want to impose--"

"Bullshit," you say. "You've already interrupted dinner, you may as well drink the alcohol too."

"Merle, don't be rude," Taako scolds you. "I'm the cook, and I say it's no problem. Truly."

You grumble, but you can recognise when you've been outmanoeuvred, so you don't make any more complaints as Kravitz sits down and Taako pours him a glass of wine. 

The eight of you tell him the shit. 

Kravitz drains his first glass of wine rather quickly, and when Taako offers him something stronger, he nods. You wonder what Taako aims to accomplish by getting death drunk, but you don't say anything. When Kravitz is satisfied with the explanation, he stands, and so does John. 

"Well, thank you for the explanation, and the alcohol, but I really should be going."

"It was really no problem," says Taako. You look at John. 

"You're leaving, then? Just like that?"

He grimaces. 

"I'd stay longer, but I don't think I should push your luck. Besides, I don't have much time left anyway, and this way, the hunger can't fuck you guys over once I'm gone."

"What about your house? Your lifetime supply of antidepressants, your plant?"

John smiles sadly at you as he walks around the table to step through the newly opened rift ahead of Kravitz. 

"You know how to take care of a plant, don't you, Merle?"

And then he's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this seems like a horrid cliffhanger, and I know none of you want to wait another week, but believe me, you'd rather wait a week between 5 and 6 than between 6 and 7. I promise.
> 
> Happy first day of winter. Please comment if you liked this, and I'll post the next chapter on December 28th.


	6. Blink (And You'll Miss It)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild body horror warning!! it doesn't get worse than in the show. it involves eyes tho.
> 
> the POV shifts a little bit in this chapter. i go into DM voice for a few paragraphs

Without John... Well, you don't like life very much anymore, which is really demoralising for someone like you. You take care of his Honesty plant and keep his house clean, and several months pass. Magnus makes you a few ducks in that time, and you thank him quietly each time he delivers one. One day he tells you,

"John got along well with Fisher. I think Fisher misses him too, actually."

"I just can't help imagining ways to get him back. I hope he's okay."

Magnus looks down at your ring, which has been glowing since John cast Warding Bond months earlier, and asks,

"Has he been sustaining that spell this whole time?"

"Yes."

"Woah."

We see the astral plane, with its ocean of colours and souls, and we see a building on an island full of chaos. And in the corner, we see John, curled around himself, riddled with cracks so severe they look almost like eyes in some places. And John's face contorts in pain, because he knows he has only days left, and he knows, Merle, that he won't get to see you again before he ceases to be.

Because Kravitz wasn't able to contain the hunger in any meaningful way. Only the light of creation can do that, and without his antidepressants, John is having even more trouble fighting it off. It's only the thought of you that keeps him going, and the knowledge that the spell on your rings wouldn't still be active if you weren't alive; Kravitz kept his promise. 

But John is fading fast, and he knows it. And as hundreds of eyes open across his body, he lets the spell go and uses his last spell slot in an attempt to cast Message across a plane. 

Merle, you hear John's voice whisper,

"Merle... I'm sorry, I can't hold the hunger back any longer. I love you. Stay safe."

You go still. 

"I love you too, John, does this mean you're... Is the hunger taking over?"

You don't get an answer. 

Back in the astral plane, something strange is happening. Something _wrong_. Those eyes that opened on John's body are staring at the other souls in the eternal stockade, and a whisper of discontent ripples through the prisoners, who merge into one being.

The eternal stockade blinks once, and then stares out across the ocean, waiting for the reaper to return.

Merle, back in the prime-material plane, you try to cast Warding Bond again, and your bond with John is... different, almost like it's connected to something _else_ now. What do you do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on Sunday. I forget what date that is cus I've been off school for over a week lol. I think it's new years eve though. Please comment if you wanna kill me now! ;P


	7. Merle, What Do You Do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost forgot to post today lol. also i know i promised warnings but i dont have the energy to go thru this chapter atm
> 
> i do know that the emotional manipulation stuff that i warned for in ch 1 happens in this chapter as well as the porn joke, but i dont remember if theres more. 
> 
> sorry, im unmedicated today.

"Magnus, we have to go help John. We _have_ to."

"Merle--"

"Magnus."

"I'm not disagreeing with you, but we're going to need help. I mean from the rest of the crew, Merle, you're going to have to convince Davenport."

Predictably, that conversation doesn't go very well. Davenport is solidly against the idea of jeopardising the tentative balance the seven of you have with mortality.

"I knew it," he says, "I knew there was something happening below the surface with you two, something that would jeopardise the mission. I've been saying that this whole time and nobody listens. You, Merle, are prioritising a hostile entity over the success of the mission, and for that I hereby declare you an enemy of the crew and all its attachments for as long as it takes you to see reason."

"What... _mission_? Davenport, there is no mission anymore."

"Hostile entity _who_?" interjects Lup. "That guy saved our hides, dude."

"Lucretia contained the hunger, we're safe," Magnus continues. 

"We might not be anymore," you say, "Because the piece of hunger in John is-- I don't think it's been contained."

Davenport huffs in frustration. 

"What does that _mean_ , Merle?"

"You know how John has been sustaining the Warding Bond spell this whole time?"

"I... I guess?"

"Well, he stopped the spell earlier and when I cast it again, the bond was... it was different, like instead of connecting to John on the other end, it connected to something else."

"Then we have to leave," Davenport says. "We can't let John get the light, we have to keep the ship safe--"

"We can't leave John," Barry says. "And if all of his bonds are connected to a new hunger now, that hunger might just reform on the ship with us when we get to a new world, we have no way to be sure."

"Then we use the light to break his bonds," Davenport says. "It didn't work this time, we just have to accept that and start over. I think it'll work without John, I really do. He's the only wrench in this equation."

The six of your exchange glances, and you see, to your surprise, that everyone is on your side. You were so afraid that they'd see the mission as more important than you. You've always been afraid, in the back of your mind, of being cast aside. 

"He's also the only reason we're still alive," says Magnus. 

"This is a moot point, sir," Barry says to Davenport. "Because with all due respect, I won't be breaking those bonds."

"Yeah, I agree," Lup says. "I hate to say it, but I don't think any world would want its saviours to be the kind of people we would become if we left John behind, mission or no mission."

"How are we going to get to the astral plane," Lucretia asks.

"Fuck yeah," says Taako. "Goin' rogue. Been waiting for this the whole time."

"I might be able to rig something up," Barry says. 

"You'd better rig quickly, babe," says Lup, kissing him on the cheek. "Cus we don't got a lot of time." Barry nods, and heads for the engine room. 

You open your mouth to ask what she means, and that's when you notice it. Over the course of the conversation, colour has been slowly draining from the environment, far more slowly than most times the hunger has come, but the change is still noticeable and unnerving. 

"Cap'nport," Magnus says. "Captain Davenport, I'm sorry, but... I gotta do the right thing here. And right now John needs our help."

"I guess you'll need a pilot, then, buddy?" Davenport says, looking put-out and angry but mostly just scared. It hits you that you're scared too.

"Let's do this," Lup says. Davenport sits down in the pilot's chair.

Barry shouts from the Starblaster's engine room,

"This might be kind of... bumpy, is someone by Fisher's tank?"

"I'll get that," say Magnus and Lucretia at the same time. 

"You go," Lucretia says, and Magnus runs.

The ship lurches, and then, just as Barry predicted, everything gets really bumpy. You're glad you're in a seat. 

When things stop shaking, there's about two seconds of peace, during which the ship's windows show a black ocean with streaks of red, blue, and green. And then tendrils rear up from the surface of the waves and lash at the Starblaster. Davenport makes evasive manoeuvres, and Lucretia, holding the light of creation in her lap, prepares her shield spell.

"Guys," Taako says, voice shaky. "Guys, look."

You look where he's pointing and see the reaper Kravitz, standing confident guard at the doors to the eternal stockade, scythe in skeletal hand, his hood pulled up. But he's different, now; he's not himself. His form bleeds into the hunger around him, and is entirely composed of the same black material as everything else. 

"I have to go down there," Taako says. "Don't ask me why, I just do."

"I'll go with you," Lucretia says. 

Davenport wordlessly lowers the ship so they can disembark, and then rises back up to avoid the pillars that sweep towards the Starblaster, and--

Let's switch focus for a moment. 

Taako. Kravitz stands before you, and as you step out of the Starblaster, he switches out of his skeletal form-- but you can tell that he is not acting under his own power.

"Taako. I was wondering when I'd see you again."

"Well, it's now," you say. 

Kravitz smiles at you in quite a good imitation of actual affection, and says,

"I never asked last time we met up whether you enjoyed yourself or not."

"It was a decent time," you say. "I especially liked how you weren't being controlled by a gluttonous force of evil at the time."

"I don't want to fight with you, is the thing, Taako. And believe me when I say this, it might _look_ like I'm not the one talking to you right now, it might look like I'm not in control, and I barely am, I'm just throwing feelings across a huge gap and hoping they'll find you as words-- But Taako, I mean this; I would rather cease to be than fight with you. So please, don't fight me. I don't want to hurt you."

Taako, Lucretia notices you looking conflicted and steps in front of you, the light of creation pulsing in her hands as she channels her spell. 

"Taako, that's definitely not someone who wants you to be happy. It's a good imitation, but there are differences, and you can see them if you look close."

And now that she says that, you do notice them; he's not trying to convince you to be safe, he's trying to convince you to surrender.

Lucretia continues,

"I don't appreciate what you're doing here. Either cut the bullshit and attack, or make good on what you're telling him and let us do what we have to do."

"Please, Taako," he says softly, dropping to his knees and clasping his hands together. "Don't make me do this."

"Krav," you say, and bite your lip. All the fight suddenly goes out of you. "I don't want to fight either."

"Well--"

"But it looks like I'm going to have to," you continue.

"Well then," says shadow-Kravitz, standing. "Let's dance." His cloak swirls around him intimidatingly, but you keep your head held high and cast Evard's Black Tentacles.

"Hey Krav, I'm gonna need you to sign this consent form."

"Whatever for," asks shadow-Kravitz playfully, as he raises his hand and _thousands_ of hunger-corrupted souls rise from the prison building behind him.

"I'll need your signature so I can legally distribute the tentacle porn I'm about to make with your body."

You tell the tentacles to attack, and Lucretia takes off running, sprinting through the prison building towards the back, channeling her spell all the way.

Merle, you don't see the tentacles or the soul-tsunami, because you've landed behind the eternal stockade with Magnus and Lup. Your mission is to find John, and you aren't sure about afterwards. 

_Afterwards_ arrives, though, and then so does John. There's a melancholy chuckle from-- from all around you, really-- and you recognise his voice. 

"John?"

He crackles into being about a conference table's length away from you and stands there, motionless. 

"Merle, this gives me a bad feeling," says Magnus. 

"Yeah, I agree," Lup starts to say, and then John attacks. Black tendrils reach out towards you, Merle, and just before they hit, your ring heats up, and John staggers. 

That strike should have killed you, but it didn't, and there's John, on his knees, breathing heavily. Magnus starts towards him, but stops of his own accord when John coughs convulsively. 

You're shaky, Merle, and so is John. He looks up, not even looking at any of you yet, just _looking_. And his face is contorted in a grimace. 

"Cut your losses, Merle. What's the difference, at this point, between _sooner_ and _later_?"

You don't know if he's telling you to give up or to fight him, you genuinely cannot tell. Either way, though, you're going to have to refuse. 

"You know I can't do that, John."

"Why?" he asks. 

"Well," you say, biting back tears. "I guess I just want us to go on."

"Well, it was worth a try," he says, and ruefully smiles at you. "I suppose I should have expected it would be something so... unshakeable."

And then all the emotion fades off his face as his body stands up straight. 

"Merle, we're fighting him, right?" Magnus asks urgently. 

"I guess we are, Magnus."

"This is it," Lup agrees, and the three of you face the facsimile of John, ready to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the next chapter tomorrow. Please comment if you enjoyed this.


	8. This Is It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone flies. Someone dies. It's the adventure zone!
> 
> (Technically all of the people who fly started flying in the last chapter and they only land here, but that would sound less cool.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo i started this story on halloween because i was too sick to go trick or treating and im getting so emotional right now because this is the last chapter before the epilogue. i hope it's narratively satisfying.

Lucretia is fighting her way through the eternal stockade, light of creation held tight against her chest as she struggles to keep her shield up. She has it moulded around her body, skintight, but despite this, it takes all her energy to put one foot in front of the other while sustaining her shield. As she struggles on, she sees things in the darkness, images flashing too quickly to be fully understood; a young boy struggling to stay afloat amongst tumultuous waves, the glint of a diamond held up to the sun, and above everything else, the image of a man standing at a podium and speaking passionately to a crowd of trillions.

Lucretia knows that she has to get to you, Merle, she knows she has to keep the light safe, and she knows she cannot let the hunger touch her. Beyond that, she knows that she hates this; the hunger is all around her and she wants _out_. As the dissatisfaction sets in, she slows down, unable to maintain her previous pace, and her grip on the light loosens. She hates it here, in the dark, but nothing will ever change, and she should really stop wasting energy trying to force it to. 

Merle, you feel your other ring, the one that matches Lucretia's, getting very cold. 

You cast warding bond on Lucretia, and the spell between you and Shadow John fizzles out. He advances on you slowly. 

Back inside the hunger, Lucretia feels the ring you gave her heating up, and she remembers-- she has to get through this mass of darkness, she has to keep the light safe, she has to keep going-- but she also needs help. So she asks for it, and it's barely two seconds before she gets her answer.

Lucretia remembers. Lucretia remembers that she is not alone, and from the Starblaster, a song begins to play, a song of love and commitment and of never giving up. Blue light flashes across the astral plane, and within the hunger's darkness, souls begin to remember just what they are. And as the dulcet tones of Rick Astley are projected into the minds of everyone in this world, Lucretia remembers how it felt when you pulled her out of the way of that bar fight over a century ago, and she knows that she wants to do the same for you. 

With Fisher's and your help, Lucretia finds the strength to keep walking, and as she walks, the darkness disperses around her. At the front of the eternal stockade, Kravitz comes back to himself and puts his hands up, switching back to his human form, and at the back of it, John collapses again.

It's at that moment that Lucretia enters the scene, and Merle, she looks like an actual angel, stepping out of darkness with the light of creation. She hands it to you and turns to where the last remnants of the hunger are gathering for a last stand, looking over her shoulder to tell you,

"Heal him."

John is laid out like a corpse-- and fuck, it hurts to even think about that-- and as you reach him and put a hand to his neck automatically to check his pulse, you realise that there aren't any cracks anymore in him, or none that you can see, at least. His eyes are closed, and you can't detect a heartbeat, but you tell yourself it's just nerves. He has to be alive. 

You hold the light of creation to his chest and cast Cure Wounds. Nothing happens. 

You hear footsteps, and Kravitz walks out of the stockade, this time under his own power, with Taako right beside him, and the two of them are smiling at each other. But when Kravitz sees you, Merle, the smile leaves his face, and he says,

"Merle, I'm so, so sorry, but--"

"No need to apologise. Turn around though, you'll want plausible deniability on this."

You take out the diamond that you and John found during your stay on the beach, and use the light of creation to cast Resurrection. 

John's eyes open to meet yours, and the diamond isn't even consumed. And there are no cracks in his form, just new, dark freckles scattered across his face, and possibly other places. Maybe later you'll check. But for now you'd really rather help him sit up and pull him into a warm hug. 

"Merle... Did I die?"

You don't even glance at Kravitz as you say,

"Maybe a little bit. But hey, what's a little death between friends?"

John laughs. 

"I'd hope that after everything we've been through together, we're rather more than friends, Merle."

"You've got me there, John," you say. "You've got me there."

Davenport lands the Starblaster behind the eternal stockade, and he, Fisher, and Barry disembark to watch as the rest of the hunger tears itself apart trying to consume something, _anything_. It's a surprisingly beautiful sight, because the colour returns to the world, and the entire astral plane reflects the light of the light of creation in dazzling rainbows across the sky. John takes your hand and sits with you, watching, as his life's work fizzles out. He smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't ask me how fisher ate the rick roll song because the answer is i have no idea. 
> 
> If I get my act together, I'll post an Epilogue on 1/8/18, and I'll probably end up infodumping about symbolism and parallelism in the notes. If I don't get my act together... I don't know. I'll probably wait until the next full moon in January for some Cool Moon Symbolism, but hopefully I can finish the Epilogue by 1/8/18 because I like the two 18s a lot better. 
> 
> If I'm not done by the end of January, I'll probably wait until 2/9/18, 3/6/18, or 3/9/18. Something with multiples of 3.
> 
> Please comment if you liked this!!


	9. Fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has an epigraph at the end, [here's the source video](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)
> 
> ...sorry. anyways, this is the end. the chapter titles all represent one of the nine crew members, but you'll have to know some homestuck stuff to understand why chapter 2 represents the person it does. some are more obvious than others and the character represented by the title doesnt actually have to appear in that chapter. 
> 
> numbers mean a lot when theyre specified. this date is important because it's 1/8/18. and that's two 18s. and 18 is already 9 times 2. 
> 
> i really wanted to have the last line be a title drop but i couldnt make it work, sorry lol
> 
> that's enough symbolism tho heres the epilogue.

Back in the prime material plane, you and John find each other in the quiet moments as everything is settling down, and you can't look away from his face. You got so close to losing him forever.

"Merle, why isn't this piece of the hunger spreading anymore?" he asks you.

"I'm not sure, John. Although I have to admit, the freckles suit you. But the spell I used, Resurrection, shouldn't have affected the hunger at all. And it didn't even use up the diamond," you say. John makes a face. 

"I still can't believe that I _died_ and your first instinct was to attempt a necromancy spell you had never done before _in front of the grim reaper_."

"I can get reckless when it comes to the people I love," you say, and John smiles. 

"I can't blame you there." 

Later, the nine of you and Kravitz have a _talk_ , during which he extracts from you a promise never to try necromancy again. Besides that, he's surprisingly lenient. 

(It probably has something to do with how Taako is looking at him the same way you look at John, eyes full of fondness and also something just a tiny bit keener than that. You make a mental note to stay away from Taako's room on the ship for at least an hour once this discussion is over.)

"Okay, look. I'll let you stay alive, but you can't die again or the deal's off, and I'll have to kidnap you back to my kingdom of death." Kravitz says, a slight edge of humour colouring his voice. Taako snorts. "Is that clear?"

"Crystal," John says with a smile, slipping his hand into yours. 

"I guess it was an alright idea for Taako to give you that wine back then, huh," you admit grudgingly.

"Of course it was a good idea," Taako says, scoffing. "I can't believe I'm saying this for like, the eleventh time, or something, but every idea I have is." 

Kravitz smiles at him, and says,

"Well, I have an idea, dearest."

"Oh?"

...Yeah, you'll definitely be leaving Taako alone until dinnertime. Or... breakfast, apparently; the sky is getting lighter, and the first signs of dawn are beginning to show. You wish catastrophe would have the manners to strike at a decent hour, if it has to strike at all. Davenport landed the ship on a beach, and you and John walk along it together once you've settled things with Kravitz. 

"Merle," John says, hand cold in yours, fancy shoes made slightly less fancy by the wet sand that's found its way into the seams in the leather. 

"Yes?"

"I'm glad to be alive."

You squeeze his hand. The two of you find a convenient rock to sit down on to watch the sunset, and you sit side by side, like passengers on a crowded train with limited seating. You can see a busy port further along the coastline, and a murder of crows that seems to be sort of lost, but this small stretch of sand is peaceful, uncomplicated. You could get used to this. 

The silvery seedpods of an Honesty plant catch the sunlight and shimmer like John's freckles, like the cracks in his form used to do, only it's a reflection of all of him now, instead of just his worst moments. And John smiles at you, long legs stretched out in front of him, fingers twined with yours. Yeah. After a century of having your happiness stolen from you, of running from an enemy that treated your suffering like a game, you could get used to this. 

Breakfast feels like coming home. You carefully uproot some black-eyed susans on the walk back to the ship, and replant them in a pot to place in the centre of the table. The bright, lively yellow of their petals brings sunlight to the ship, making it feel like home despite its sharp edges and stark metal walls. 

Taako and Kravitz don't seem able to stop smiling at each other, but you and John are much the same way. Lup cooks, and Lucretia tells horrible puns that you think she's been saving specifically for an occasion like this, if the way she glances at her notebook between each joke is any indication. It's good. 

"Are you ready, Kravitz?" she asks him, mischief dancing in her eyes. 

"For what?" he responds, mildly. 

"You're about to witness the fish who eats memories for breakfast in action."

Behind her, Magnus holds up a peace sign, continuing to feed pages of a notebook into the tank one by one, the cover of which says _Magnus's Poetry for Fisher_. The fish in question hums out a song as it eats, and Magnus grins. 

Kravitz watches for a moment in morbid fascination, and then shakes his head as if to clear it. 

"I knew on some level that you weren't just making up stories, but that is really so mind-boggling."

After lunch, you and John set his house up for the last time, just above the high-tide line, and Lucretia starts work on a ward that should protect it from the storms. You and John both try to tell her it isn't necessary, but she insists that it's the least she can do. 

Once the ward is finished, John invites you to move in with him. You say yes. Five months later, you ask him to marry you, and he says yes too. You have a ring made with the diamond that the resurrection spell failed to consume, and invite the entire crew. 

As John walks down the aisle, a hired bard named Johann plays Fisher's song, the one about never giving each other up. He looks radiant (John, not the bard), and you fidget on your step stool, which sinks a little bit further into the sand every time you shift your weight.

When John reaches you, he smiles at you, and places his hand into yours. You slide the ring onto his finger, and he reaches up to stroke your cheek, light glinting off his freckles, which look like glass. Your breath catches. He's beautiful.

"This is good," he tells you, and then kisses you.

(You still haven’t checked if he has those pretty freckles anywhere else, but that can come later. Right now, there’s the afterparty to worry about, and John is smiling at you, and the music is playing. John’s fancy shoes get a lot of sand in them as the two of you try to dance despite your height difference and the fact that neither of you bothered with lessons (oops), but it’s good anyway.)

_Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay that's it!! wow. please comment if you liked this story!! thanks for reading. i had so much fun writing this. and rick rolling you, that was really fun too.

**Author's Note:**

> Posting Schedule:  
> Chapter 1 - Pilot Light - 11/30/17 (Thurs.)  
> Chapter 2 - Flush - 12/7/17 (Thurs.)  
> Chapter 3 - Hunger Halved - 12/14/17 (Thurs.)  
> Chapter 4 - Umbra - 12/18/17 (Mon. - New Moon)  
> Chapter 5 - Honesty - 12/21/17 (Thurs. - First Day of Winter)  
> Chapter 6 - Blink (And You'll Miss It) - 12/28/17 (Thurs.)  
> Chapter 7 - Merle, What Do You Do? - 12/31/17 (Sun.)  
> Chapter 8 - This Is It - 1/1/18 (Mon. - Full Moon)  
> Epilogue - Fin - 1/8/18 (Moon.)
> 
> Updates get closer together as the story progresses because the chapters get shorter and I don't want to be too mean with cliffhangers.
> 
> (Chapter 1 was formerly titled "Truth, Beauty, Harm" which I promise is no longer relevant.)


End file.
